i can do this

I am, yet again, procrastinating. to the point that I'm actually updating my blog. and i don't have much to blog about, except that I am procrastinating. so i'm blogging about procrastination. see the vicious cycle?

I am trying to finish my immigration assignment that's due tomorrow. It's not particularly long (2500 words), and it's actually rather interesting. but I feel this pressure to perform in this class, because it is my boss who is teaching it. not that i'm paranoid that she'll fire me if I do poorly in the class, but everytime she asks a question in class, she looks at me. it's kind of scary because 99/100 times, I don't know the answer. but 2500 words! I wrote that in a 2 hour period when it was crunch time writing my dissertation. I can do this.

must stop:

googling lyrics
googling my crim clinic mentor
googling my friends
calling my family (yes, i'm that desparate)
reading my friend's blogs (and check the links they have)
reading opinionista (which is fabulous)
downloading music
checking out cheap prices for a new monitor
looking up places to stay in bowen island
checking out cheap flights for a flight to london that I definitely cannot afford
looking up internships for the summer
daydreaming about "cheese"

so I finally called x place of work to find out why i didn't get an interview. I thought i was an ideal candidate since they did primarily immigration and criminal law and chalked up the whole thing to my marks not being strong enough. THEN! I found out that two of my friends got interviews who's marks were not as strong as mine! I was a bit miffed. Now don't get me wrong, i love these people and are happy for them (even if one of them became a bit smug about the whole thing) but I was a bit surprised (this place obviously didn't get the memo about me being vintage YSL either. maybe i should just put it on my resume under "awards and distinctions" - especially good since I don't have any actual awards or distinctions) Anyway, I called them and they called back and left a message saying that I was "on the cusp" of being offered an interview. and while my marks were great, they were not as strong as the competition. so that's the story they're going with. and it's not like i can call them back and say "you liar! I know that people with worse marks than me got interviews! Bi-otch!" no, i'm not bitter or petty. and yes, in my world, everything is personal.

feeling: restless
listening to: Rufus Wainwright

lightbulbs going off!

It's strange how things change and you don't realize it until it just suddenly dawns on you. I was talking to shu the other day, and she asked me "are you happy?" and I thought for a split second and realized, "Yes, I'm happy." what a wonderful revelation. and this is despite receiving 35 rejection letters and thinking that I'm completely unemployable. wow. i chalk it up to all the kisses i've been getting recently. Yup, first base rocks!

and I've realized that I am super neurotic...to the point where I worry that things are going too well. stupid, i know, but I go through vaccination periods. Think of it like the flu shot: give the relationship a mini-flu to prevent the big massive influenza. Or, if you want to think in IR terms, we are launching a pre-emptive strike before there is a full-out war. But then again, I should learn from the Shrub - pre-emptive strikes tend to cause wars and loss of civilian life and the bombing of hospitals, even if I stand to gain a lot of oil (so does that mean that feelings would be hurt unnecessarily, but there could be great make-up sex?). I think i've lost the analogy...

and while we're on the up and up, i got an email on friday offering to publish my dissertation. in the words of guru shay: "can i getta boo-yah?!" I am going to be a published author. yay me! granted, it's a start-up academic journal, but hey, publishing is publishing. let's not get too persnickity.

feeling: FAB-U-LOUS!
listening to: Dave Matthews Band - Crash into Me

What's love?

I came to a realization of sorts about over a year ago: (I thought at the time) "I'm 23 and I've never been in love" - things haven't changed much since then...

so, dear readers, here's the question to you: how do you know that you're in love? (I feel like I just had a Carrie Bradshow moment). I mean, what if you're looking for it, and all the while, you're don't know that it's in front of you? (I'm not saying that I'm in love, but in the words of the fabulous Madonna: "falling deeper and deeper.)"

menzies and mah and i were talking about it the other night. My theory is that love is when you have perpetual giddiness. Like a crush that never ends. at least, that's what I've been waiting for (as apparently, has menzies and mah. of course, we've spent much of our lives being single, so maybe we've got it wrong). usually, the crush ends as soon as there is some inkling of commitment or reciprocation. or the crush never comes to anything at all. of course, the problem with my theory is that you never knew that you were in love until that crush ends. most people say that that state of perpetual crush is impossible. so does that mean that people are settling? I would like to think that they are, but maybe it's just the hopeless romantic in me.

for the first time in my life, i have ended up with a crush. and the crush is still there AND the crush is reciprocated! mind you, it's early days yet...but is that what's left...waiting for the other shoe to drop? I look at you sometimes and think: "Can i trust you? will you hurt me? or even worse, will i hurt you?"

god. when did become so neurotic?!

mood: retrospective
listening to: Modern English: I Melt With You