release
i went to my first yoga class today since we parted, and all throughout the practice i couldn't stop thinking of you. after seeing you yesterday, i missed you. i miss the way you smell. and the way you would hold my arm when you fall asleep. and all those things i missed just kept looping in my head throughout practice. i felt so sad and emotional. we did camel, and in opening my chest, i thought that breathing would make me disintegrate into a million pieces. i kept telling myself: "focus on your breath, and let it all out with each exhale" at the end when we were in the last pose where we lie down, I started sobbing. i got up to go to the washroom and my instructor gave me a hug, and i just couldn't stop bawling. and so there we stood, at the back of the room with 35 people lying down, me in her arms as i cried into her shoulder. the only sound being the sound of my tears and her murmurring into my ear "let it all out. let it go".
after class, she told me that we store a lot of our emotions in the hips. and with all the hip openers we do in yoga, it is rather common for people who go through emotional upheaval to have such a strong emotional response. to have that release.
and tonight. i realized. it's time to let you go. all this time since we've been apart, i was still holding on. you may have left months ago, but i was still holding on. even after we ended it and you had found someone new. i was clinging onto my expectations of us. of you. to the idea of us. holding onto you. i see that now.
all that has passed between us. it doesn't matter. we were our own undoing. i see that now. i pushed and you pulled. we were unfair the each other. no one's the blame and everyone's to blame. but i'm thankful for the experience. to know that i am possible of loving someone. and i'm thankful to have shared that time of my life with you. you have changed my world. i spent 9 months thinking of you. caring for you. looking to you for happiness. trying to do right by you. i know i'll still miss you.
and just as heartbreak is so literal, i'm hoping release is too.
it's time to let you go.

after class, she told me that we store a lot of our emotions in the hips. and with all the hip openers we do in yoga, it is rather common for people who go through emotional upheaval to have such a strong emotional response. to have that release.
and tonight. i realized. it's time to let you go. all this time since we've been apart, i was still holding on. you may have left months ago, but i was still holding on. even after we ended it and you had found someone new. i was clinging onto my expectations of us. of you. to the idea of us. holding onto you. i see that now.
all that has passed between us. it doesn't matter. we were our own undoing. i see that now. i pushed and you pulled. we were unfair the each other. no one's the blame and everyone's to blame. but i'm thankful for the experience. to know that i am possible of loving someone. and i'm thankful to have shared that time of my life with you. you have changed my world. i spent 9 months thinking of you. caring for you. looking to you for happiness. trying to do right by you. i know i'll still miss you.
and just as heartbreak is so literal, i'm hoping release is too.
it's time to let you go.

posted by catherine w. at 12:46 AM
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