release

i went to my first yoga class today since we parted, and all throughout the practice i couldn't stop thinking of you. after seeing you yesterday, i missed you. i miss the way you smell. and the way you would hold my arm when you fall asleep. and all those things i missed just kept looping in my head throughout practice. i felt so sad and emotional. we did camel, and in opening my chest, i thought that breathing would make me disintegrate into a million pieces. i kept telling myself: "focus on your breath, and let it all out with each exhale" at the end when we were in the last pose where we lie down, I started sobbing. i got up to go to the washroom and my instructor gave me a hug, and i just couldn't stop bawling. and so there we stood, at the back of the room with 35 people lying down, me in her arms as i cried into her shoulder. the only sound being the sound of my tears and her murmurring into my ear "let it all out. let it go".

after class, she told me that we store a lot of our emotions in the hips. and with all the hip openers we do in yoga, it is rather common for people who go through emotional upheaval to have such a strong emotional response. to have that release.

and tonight. i realized. it's time to let you go. all this time since we've been apart, i was still holding on. you may have left months ago, but i was still holding on. even after we ended it and you had found someone new. i was clinging onto my expectations of us. of you. to the idea of us. holding onto you. i see that now.

all that has passed between us. it doesn't matter. we were our own undoing. i see that now. i pushed and you pulled. we were unfair the each other. no one's the blame and everyone's to blame. but i'm thankful for the experience. to know that i am possible of loving someone. and i'm thankful to have shared that time of my life with you. you have changed my world. i spent 9 months thinking of you. caring for you. looking to you for happiness. trying to do right by you. i know i'll still miss you.

and just as heartbreak is so literal, i'm hoping release is too.

it's time to let you go.



old habits

last week, i cut the string to the balloon (see balloons). and i know that it's floated away. possibly, it floated away long before i cut the string. so why do i feel the urge to keep checking if it's still there? i need my emotions to get with the program.

time to move on.

feeling: frustrated
listening to: Serena Ryder - Brand New Love

Funny how life works...

When i was 12, i thought i knew everything. and the older i get, the more i realize that i know nothing. and everytime, just when i think i have everything figured out, it's as though i lose control of my world. serves me right, i suppose, for being so presumptuous. it's been a while since i've faced such adversity, and never before of this type. it sucks.

Summer officially began for me on March 20, 2006 at 1 pm. And since then, there have been many a decision to be made. relationship stuff. career stuff. life stuff. stuff. so much stuff. and for those of you who know me well, know that this meant a lot of soul searching. deconstructing catherine, you could say. and this process usually takes a toll on me. the questioning, hitting the bottom, and coming to accept my findings. acceptance has been the hardest part. accepting that i may never understand. that some things have no solution. that they cannot be rationalized. that sometimes you have to give up for your own good. that my best might not be enough. accepting that sometimes, things just don't work no matter how many stars you wish on or how hard you try. that it simply is just unfair and you gotta suck it up. that it's ok to fail. that i need to breathe. i'm learning to let go - of emotions, certain hopes and realities, roles... but with endings also comes beginnings. or so one can hope...

And while i have been gloriously unemployed (!), i have also been freaked out of my mind that i am unemployed. so i set out to find a job. first it was applying to restaurants. rather audacious, given my sales pitch was "while i have no formal training or experience, i love to cook and thus will be a great addition to your team." yeah. not so successful.

then, i decided that enough was enough and it was time to use my connections. much more successful that way. i was promptly offered an internship with a NGO in geneva. a little european getaway would do me good. go me. of course, as soon as this happens, there is a posting for my dream job - working for a criminal defense firm. good god. talk about decision making. so i applied. i had to. and now i have an interview on tuesday. i spend hours upon hours in the fall looking for a firm job with no success at all. and now at the 11th hour (i was 1 hour away from confirming my ticket to europe) i get an interview with a criminal law firm. go figure. some backpedalling with the NGO proceeds.

it's been a crazy few days. sad days, disappointing days, heartbreaking days. but each day is getting a little better. a little easier. a little brighter. the wrist slitting music has lessened in rotation. i'm learning to face my new reality with a little more courage and a little more hope. becoming more productive again. things to do, people to meet, visits to look forward to. and possibly, just possibly, a dream job. with a little jet-setting if it doesn't work out. i think i'm gonna be ok afterall.

feeling: barely breathing...but the wind is slowly coming back
listening to: damien rice - silent night + serena ryder - hiding place + cat power - good woman + radiohead - creep. on repeat.