Is this what it all comes down to?

I know I know - my so called "comeback" kinda sucked. sorry. but exams hit, and then papers, and then summer planning...yeah yeah. But on Friday, I wrote my last law school exam. EVER. EVER!!!! No more studying til 3 am and waking up to write 9 am 3 hour long 100% finals. As they said about genocide: NEVER AGAIN.

So why am I up, you're asking yourself? Well, I still have one more paper to write. So I'm not officially done until Friday. And though this paper is interesting, it sucks that I have to write it. But as I'm working on this, I'm realizing that academia really is just intellectual masturbation. I'm writing this paper on decriminalizing sadomasochism (bet you didn't know you were breaking the law when your lover ties you up to those bed posts eh? apparently, as individuals, we are not allowed to consent to harm - so when you say "Oh spank me Harry!" the fact that you are asking is irrelevant. Harry's still criminally liable. sucks to be Harry) When I met with my prof (who i'm kinda scared of), she suggested that I examine why we should decriminalize S+M and NOT other criminalized sexual acts such as pedophelia, incest, or bestiality. So I set out to do just that. and then, just now, i wrote: "Bestiality should be criminalized because animals cannot consent to sexual activity and as a result are sexually assaulted." really. is this what 3 years of law school amounts to? arguing against letting people sodomize that poor goat? please tell me that it does not comes to this. oh but it has. i'm so leaving the sentence in.

Feeling: so close yet oh so far
Listening to: Paul Simon - Diamonds on the Souls of Her Shoes AND Feist - My Moon My Man

the pressure. oh the pressure

So i clicked on my blog by mistake (it's on my bookmarks sidebar - oh firefox, how i love thee) and saw that I had a comment on my comeback post. thanks J for the pressure. now that i know that i have at least one loyal reader, i shall endeavour to update more often.

the comeback has been slow. my apologies. my life has been unsettling lately. a trip to geneva planned for reading week, and yet no job upon graduation. and with the interviews that i've had, it looks like i will have to move in order to survive in this overpriced city.

on the other hand, i just watched Dirty Dancing. i had forgotten how great this movie is. and that song in the end "you're the one thing, i can't get enough of." but really, what makes the movie is patrick swayze strutting into the room in the end saying "nobody puts baby in a corner." oh patrick. be still my heart. it also reminds me of being in grade 4 (or so) and talking to Mary Bekaris about watching Dirty Dancing (on TV of course) and how the dancing was dirty, and she thought it wasn't. who knew that a prudish child would yield me?

one other note: i found out i'm a good sewer! well, i'm ok. i'll explain after valentine's day, after my valentine has received it. hee hee.

listening to: I've had the time of my life - from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack
feeling: nostalgic.

the comeback

I've decided to launch a comeback. it's been a while yes. but i figure now that i now have wireless, meaning that I spend large amounts of time on my couch online, it's a good reason to start blogging again.

i have some great classes this semester (no, i'm not referring to family or corps), but in fact, i am taking a class on sexual assault, which i lovingly refer to a rape class. which only makes sense because it is all about rape. but the problem is when I'm on the phone and tell my friend while on the street that i'm going to rape class, people on the sidewalk, i've noticed, take a second look at me.

speaking of rape class, we were talking about how men benefit from sexually assaulting women. now. as interesting as that sounds from a social and psychological viewpoint, it was hard for me to not ask in class: "are you serious? who cares how they benefit?! just tell them to stop!"

academia. geez.

feeling: ready to write again
listening to: travis - love will come through

release

i went to my first yoga class today since we parted, and all throughout the practice i couldn't stop thinking of you. after seeing you yesterday, i missed you. i miss the way you smell. and the way you would hold my arm when you fall asleep. and all those things i missed just kept looping in my head throughout practice. i felt so sad and emotional. we did camel, and in opening my chest, i thought that breathing would make me disintegrate into a million pieces. i kept telling myself: "focus on your breath, and let it all out with each exhale" at the end when we were in the last pose where we lie down, I started sobbing. i got up to go to the washroom and my instructor gave me a hug, and i just couldn't stop bawling. and so there we stood, at the back of the room with 35 people lying down, me in her arms as i cried into her shoulder. the only sound being the sound of my tears and her murmurring into my ear "let it all out. let it go".

after class, she told me that we store a lot of our emotions in the hips. and with all the hip openers we do in yoga, it is rather common for people who go through emotional upheaval to have such a strong emotional response. to have that release.

and tonight. i realized. it's time to let you go. all this time since we've been apart, i was still holding on. you may have left months ago, but i was still holding on. even after we ended it and you had found someone new. i was clinging onto my expectations of us. of you. to the idea of us. holding onto you. i see that now.

all that has passed between us. it doesn't matter. we were our own undoing. i see that now. i pushed and you pulled. we were unfair the each other. no one's the blame and everyone's to blame. but i'm thankful for the experience. to know that i am possible of loving someone. and i'm thankful to have shared that time of my life with you. you have changed my world. i spent 9 months thinking of you. caring for you. looking to you for happiness. trying to do right by you. i know i'll still miss you.

and just as heartbreak is so literal, i'm hoping release is too.

it's time to let you go.



old habits

last week, i cut the string to the balloon (see balloons). and i know that it's floated away. possibly, it floated away long before i cut the string. so why do i feel the urge to keep checking if it's still there? i need my emotions to get with the program.

time to move on.

feeling: frustrated
listening to: Serena Ryder - Brand New Love

Funny how life works...

When i was 12, i thought i knew everything. and the older i get, the more i realize that i know nothing. and everytime, just when i think i have everything figured out, it's as though i lose control of my world. serves me right, i suppose, for being so presumptuous. it's been a while since i've faced such adversity, and never before of this type. it sucks.

Summer officially began for me on March 20, 2006 at 1 pm. And since then, there have been many a decision to be made. relationship stuff. career stuff. life stuff. stuff. so much stuff. and for those of you who know me well, know that this meant a lot of soul searching. deconstructing catherine, you could say. and this process usually takes a toll on me. the questioning, hitting the bottom, and coming to accept my findings. acceptance has been the hardest part. accepting that i may never understand. that some things have no solution. that they cannot be rationalized. that sometimes you have to give up for your own good. that my best might not be enough. accepting that sometimes, things just don't work no matter how many stars you wish on or how hard you try. that it simply is just unfair and you gotta suck it up. that it's ok to fail. that i need to breathe. i'm learning to let go - of emotions, certain hopes and realities, roles... but with endings also comes beginnings. or so one can hope...

And while i have been gloriously unemployed (!), i have also been freaked out of my mind that i am unemployed. so i set out to find a job. first it was applying to restaurants. rather audacious, given my sales pitch was "while i have no formal training or experience, i love to cook and thus will be a great addition to your team." yeah. not so successful.

then, i decided that enough was enough and it was time to use my connections. much more successful that way. i was promptly offered an internship with a NGO in geneva. a little european getaway would do me good. go me. of course, as soon as this happens, there is a posting for my dream job - working for a criminal defense firm. good god. talk about decision making. so i applied. i had to. and now i have an interview on tuesday. i spend hours upon hours in the fall looking for a firm job with no success at all. and now at the 11th hour (i was 1 hour away from confirming my ticket to europe) i get an interview with a criminal law firm. go figure. some backpedalling with the NGO proceeds.

it's been a crazy few days. sad days, disappointing days, heartbreaking days. but each day is getting a little better. a little easier. a little brighter. the wrist slitting music has lessened in rotation. i'm learning to face my new reality with a little more courage and a little more hope. becoming more productive again. things to do, people to meet, visits to look forward to. and possibly, just possibly, a dream job. with a little jet-setting if it doesn't work out. i think i'm gonna be ok afterall.

feeling: barely breathing...but the wind is slowly coming back
listening to: damien rice - silent night + serena ryder - hiding place + cat power - good woman + radiohead - creep. on repeat.

secret agent woman

there are times when i feel like i'm living a double life. and i'm caught in between the two. this is one of those times.

i've always worked hard to make sure that i know where my ducks are going to fall: all in one row, all facing west. and now i feel like i have no idea where anything is falling, but falling they are.

i want to know what i want. and not hurt anyone in my pursuit of it. i want to be honest. and be true - to you and to me. i want to be accepted. and loved no matter what. i don't to question anymore. i just want to love. and not lose. and be satisfied.

feeling: a little e-mo
listening to: joseph arthur - in the sun